Lately, I’ve been thinking that it’s like cheating. I have been with my partner for two years but we have been touching each other for months with stress on our parts. When I get started, it gets very tired in the mood or not. He says we should be before dinner tomorrow because he will not get tired, but then he will always be busy and will not accept help. After Valentine’s Day, it starts once, when I actually fell asleep! I told him “tomorrow”. The next day he was tired again.
I hate my life I hate my job and my routine, and that’s the only great thing. I think it’s an idea of excitement, want, it’s what I think it would be like to kiss someone else. I’m not worried that I’ll be working on it, but every few months he worries I’m not committed to it (he has self-esteem issues). I assure them that I am committed, but now when I say other people’s thoughts go out of my mind.
I feel very guilty. I fear what this means for us. I don’t want to do anything to hurt her. I really love it. Help!
You are sometimes not the worst to imagine about people other than your spouse. Far from it You’re just human. The widespread and harmful lie about monogamy is that it is always simple and easy; That you will never get bored or frustrated with your spouse; That you will never find exciting and attractive ever.
But guess what? At some point – maybe some points – during the long-term solitude relationship, you will feel bored and frustrated, and your eyes can come well on one of the billions of attractive people wandering around this attractive, neglected, always wandering people. Our heat planet And imagine for yourself, a moment (or a lot of), what would happen with someone other than the one who looked gazing at his pillow every morning, who never took dinner outside without asking 20 times, always after a glass of wine Very jokes say, louder.
This is good. This is normal. This is human. This, in fact, is the byproduct of another lie we tell about monogamy; That romance and seduction is the pinnacle of any relationship. Think of all the romantic comedies, the television shows, Shakespeare’s plays that deal only with courtship and the beginning of a relationship. Think about the number of first kisses we see on the screen, just to find the words: “And they lived happily ever after.”
Most of the lessons we learn about monogamous relationships are only about the joyful beginning, and not the work that comes next. It is about romance and not the everyday reality of love.
And, sometimes, the everyday reality of love will lead you to imagine yourself with someone else. That sounds blasphemous to some people; lack of respect for their commitment to their partner. But do you know what that image does? It gives you the opportunity to make a decision: stay or leave. And by allowing yourself to imagine a different reality, recognize the possibility that you may be able to be with another person and continue choosing your partner? That is commitment. Not idealized, not ignorant, not naive by default; But conscious, chosen, continuous commitment. I think that’s very nice.
So, if you are honest when you say that you would never act according to these thoughts, stop reproaching yourself for them. But do not ignore them either. Noticing the attractiveness of these fantasies can illuminate feelings or desires that are not currently fulfilled. These thoughts have already been enlightening for you: you have identified that you enjoy the idea of feeling excited and desired; Two feelings that are scarce in your life and relationship at this time. Both you and your partner are stressed and have not maintained a balance between work and life, so that both feel unappreciated, unwanted and insecure.
It is time to start talking, very openly and sincerely about your life and relationship, and to express what you need. This can be a very welcome conversation. It is clear that your partner is also suffering, so address this as a problem that both are experiencing, and both must commit to addressing, together.
An important problem is that you are not taking advantage of the time to spend quality time, have a good time together or to be intimate. Tell your partner how careless you feel, how a lack of physical intimacy and emotion in your relationship creates an emotional distance and leaves you frustrated. Be clear that you are not sharing your feelings to blame or attack, but to encourage understanding of how they both feel and how they can address these problems together.
As described in this column above, programming regular sex can be a way for couples to get out of the routine, as it gives them permission to prioritize their time together. How about committing to going to bed together 40 minutes early for a couple of weeks, so you can have some time to chat and snuggle in bed or have sex?
Or reserve a few hours a week specifically for an appointment night. Go out and do something fun, or just dine together at home, but be sure to really invest in this time together. Dress up, turn off the phones and treat it as an opportunity to reconnect and remember what you find attractive and interesting with each other.
Talk about what you can spoil from life, and if there are different career paths, lifestyle decisions that can help you reach there. Talk about how you loved and supported others. And start this night as soon as possible that both of you are still awake and if you want to be engaged enough to intercourse. (Pro Tip: Sex is always better before dinner. Snoozing is more improved than stickin in a pasta-filled bowl.)
These are simple steps that you can expect to get on the path and reconciliation – but you need to be ready to try both. If you do not have an interest in either or both of your efforts, then it is an issue where it can be transformed into a plan that can leave this relationship.
Rowe MacCarmott holds an M.A. in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University. With Author and Fulbright Scholar. She is doing research in PhD in sexual and sexual ethnicity in Open University and Oxford